You Know You're From Eugene When...

You inadvertently own one or more pieces of tie-dye clothing You have ever owned or traveled cross-country in a VW van You used to play hacky-sack but had to give it up because you developed an allergy to the bag material You understand the difference between cafe au lait and a latte You know how to pronounce "Allan Brothers" but you don't care You had to quit coffee You find yourself humming along with the Grateful Dead, whether you like them or not You can't always remember who among your friends is lesbigay and who is straight You know what lesbigay means and how to use it in a sentence You have friends who really are bisexual You own a hand drum or know a friend who owns one Men with short hair look kind of odd to you, but you're not sure why You have potlucks down to a fine art You think channeling was responsible for getting the cross removed from Skinner's Butte AND opening up Willamette Street You understand how a reggae concert turned into a riot with the police You don't run if it rains suddenly and you have no umbrella You look up at the sky every morning and say "It'll burn off!" A day without sunshine is a month You have taught workshops and all your friends came You know the difference between 1st and 2d degree Reiki You and/or most of your friends are 1st or 2d degree Reiki You dig your weekly Rolfing sessions. You tone (with your voice, not at Gold's Gym) You know what LMT stands for You are an LMT You know how to whip out a good-looking flier in Pagemaker The people at Kinko's know you by name You know what days they clear the bulletin boards at Fifth St. Market You know that Fifth Street is actually Fifth Avenue You have ever worn Birkenstocks, even without meaning to Some of your best friends wear Birkenstocks, on purpose You buy "distressed" produce You get free produce from friends who work at any natural foods store You don't know anybody who works 9-5, Monday - Friday and/or wears a suit You call Eugene Weekly "What's Happening" When a friend gets something she wants, you say "Way to manifest!" You routinely use the female pronoun as generic in writing and speaking... You think the Jerry Garcia mural on High St. is the coolest piece of art you ever saw. You have ever attended a Grateful Dead concert at Autzen more than once. You consider the Oregon Country Fair the highlight of the year. You know the methods of growing marijuana without being caught. You claim that the marijuana is "industrial hemp" if you are caught. You understand the term "kind buds". You actually buy Frog's joke books. You know why Frog isn't supposed to sell the books directly to you. You frequent at least five clothing resale shop for the clothes, not the bargains. You miss Icky's Tea House. You are offended by one or more of the above sentences You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Eugene.

You can see why I am the way I am today. This little list is actually quite accurate of my home town. I used to say that the only way to rebel in Eugene was to bathe, get a job, wear a tie and vote Republican.

Last year I volunteered to help organize my high school reunion. Around this time, I was in the quagmire of trying to get money to people who were making themselves scarce, for good reason, but then making it my fault that I couldn't get a hold of them. If you are ever approached to do something like this, please flee, say you have something to do in Zimbabwe for six months, but that you'd be glad to attend if it occurs.

First of all, when all the people who were in on the discussion were talking about wanting to have a reunion, they didn't actually mean they wanted to come. You see, that was my mistake. I thought all the people who responded and were excited about someone planning meant that they were excited about coming. Wrong. Evidently, people of my age group not only have a hard time committing to marriage and family, but to basic evening events. Confirming their attendance and paying the measly $35 bucks a head was too difficult for most of the people who came. These same people could handle making airfare reservations, and confirming that, but thought that because they showed up, they should have a seat. Again, see the above, they were outraged that a member of their class was being excluded, because they never sent a check or said that they were coming. Rich played the doorman and heavy for me, he had the list of people who had paid and turned people away at the door who hadn't. He figured, they could go away thinking my husband was a real jerk, and that way I wouldn't have to deal with it.

There are a few other reasons you shouldn't agree to this kind of endeavor: Bounced checks, people who give you a check, offer the money to you as a contribution to the repayment of a member of the class who covered quite a bit, even when you double and triple check that this is their intention, then wait until you announce the total amount that can be given to said class member, and then ask for their money back, a classmate who generously pays the deposit for a hotel meeting room in which to have the reunion, but doesn't give you a working phone number or address so you can contact her and get her the money, then after you have sent a check to this wrong address (which comes back to you nearly two months after you've sent it and figured it was lost, then cancelled it and paid the fee from the bank to do so), publicly chastises you for not sending the money, you send another check to a new address, which never returns, and finally get the whole mess sorted out three months after the dang reunion and have put out another $250 of your own money above the entrance fees, the hotel room has to be cancelled because of low response, but then the night of the reunion there are more people than would have paid for the room, I could go on.

Just run, do not pass go, do not collect $200, do not agree to help with your high school reunion. You know you didn't like most of them back then anyway, and they are almost all the same as they were, and the people you liked and are curious about probably won't come. Instead, invest your energy in finding those people you are interested in and invite them to your home for dinner, or a weekend. Make reservations at a nice bed and breakfast for them, or see if a local hotel will give them block rates. It will be cheaper, simpler, more pleasant and the people will be more appreciative. If it's only a couple people, pay for their hotel. It will still be cheaper.

We gave up a fun filled weekend with friends and family to go, because we said we would and had confirmed, and we did see a few people it was nice to catch up with, and we did have a good time, because we do that, pretty much wherever we are, but never again. I'm still trying to decide if we'll attend the next fiasco, or if we'll host an anti-reunion here. Funny thing, I got to sit at the "cool" table at the reunion. Mostly because that was where the seats were, but as far as I can tell, my ticket in was my pilot husband. I'm not even cool enough as an adult. I thought that was hilarious, but not nearly as hilarious as watching men and women who were almost 30 still interacting with people of the opposite sex in one of two ways: by snubbing them or coming on to them.

I did get to introduce my kids to a few of the people I had known from grade school on, and that was very cool. In fact, I'm getting a little nostalgic, and may have to host that party of people from school up here this winter, just to keep me from going nuts and trying to help organize a reunion again.

In case anyone reads this who did graduate from school with me, if you are in touch with Krista Jamison (who I'm sure is married now), Ethan Nickel, Julie Hendrickson (now married, I can't remember her last name), Shane Peterson, Eric Pubols, Kristen DeCou, Seraph Steane, Mac Funk, Brad Fenstermacher, Raven Chapman (Camara), Jinoo Hwang, Liz Hayden, Matt Leach, Nick Norland, Michael Roeman, Forest Ingram, Willow Decker, Wes Watters, Marion Vitus, Chris Stone, Hunter Vaughn, David Sears, Cyrena Respini-Irwin, Tiffany Green, Ayanna Luvert, Harmony DeFazio, or anyone I went to grade school with, please help me get in touch with them. Heck, if it sounds interesting to you and you'd like to get together for dinner with your family and ours, get in touch and we'll work it out.

Labels: Eugene